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Cedar Community: Life the way is should be. The way you want it.

It was many years ago, I suppose it was the late 1970’s, when I came across a presentation at one of the countless lectures and seminars I’ve attended, in which a relatively simple yet poignant chart was shared describing the four quadrants of ‘Change!’ We were taught that all change goes through the exact 4 ‘transitions’ moving in the same way, quadrant to quadrant! This was called the Diagram of Change.

I don’t remember the name of the presenter or the originator of the ‘Diagram of Change’ but I am eternally grateful for all of their efforts to make the nature of change understandable. Allow me to paraphrase a wonderful and dynamic presentation into this brief blog article.

All change in one’s life – big changes such as getting married, buying a house, developing a new career, to the myriad of all small and minor changes we face everyday, can be described and charted in the very same developmental path. In other words ALL change is the same and very predicatable!

Before we begin please understand that with little exception, it is against human nature to just ‘accept’ change without a struggle. Biologists describe something they call ‘homeostatic control’ inherent in all human make up in which our very cells and DNA seek to remain the same. By our very human core, we tend to deny change!

The first quadrant of change is known as DENIAL! It simply is human nature to anticipate potential change by denying the need for change. This allows us to ignore and dispose of having to deal with the need to change. This coping mechanism conveniently allows us to ‘dispose’ of the issue instead of dealing with change.

• {As an example of DENIAL: I have a friend who was being strongly encouraged by his doctor, family and friends to quit smoking. He was a young man in apparent good health. His immediate reaction to the thought of quitting smoking was a perfect example of denial. He absolutely denied the need to quit! He was healthy, felt good and enjoyed smoking! He seemed to have no reason to quit and thus denied the vary suggestion to change.}

If ‘change’ survives the denial quadrant and it becomes more and more inevitable, it moves to the second quadrant of change known at RESISTANCE! You might say, this is the stage where human nature ‘turns up the heat’ in its opposition to a potential change. Of all four quadrants of change, this is the most important and the most crucial stage. This is were there is the deepest feelings are revealed in opposition to change. There can be real anger, despair, and resentment expressed as our nature fights to resist change. Expressing one’s feelings to non-judgmental and active listeners is a great help in providing sincere understanding and soothing to the one facing change. This is what ‘moves’ us through this quadrant. The importance of this quadrant should not be under-estimated. Feelings NEED to be expressed! The deeper the resistance, then at the later ‘quadrants of change’ the more likely the inevitable change will be met with acceptance and success!

• {Example of RESISTANCE: As my smoking friend continued to experience an almost unrelenting pressure to quit, he responded in typical ‘RESISTANCE’ mode by becoming short tempered, he actually increased his smoking at pubic events and parties, and verbally attacked those who encouraged him to quit. He gradually started some calmer and more open conversations expressing his feelings of being pushed to change, feeling belittled and put upon, and feeling angered at being at the center of a ‘forced’ change that he was not asking for! His doctor, family and friends changed their approach and as all became ‘active’ listeners, everyone had the opportunity to share heartfelt concerns and feelings, which ultimately lowered my friends resistance to the thought of actually becoming a ‘non-smoker.’}

The third quadrant of change is EXPLORATION! This is when, truly for the first time, the actual change is considered! So, it is our human nature to deny change, resist change, but then we eventually we consider change! After feelings have been expressed, and people are in essence ‘validated’ that they have the right to ‘fight’ change, then consideration and attention naturally moves to explore what change might mean to them. During the exploration quadrant, both the positive and negative impact of the implementation of change is revealed. This is when the idea of change becomes less scary and more manageable! 180 degree turns from fighting the change to becoming an actual proponent of change is possible in the exploration quadrant!

• {Example of EXPLORATION: My smoking friend started to consider the advantages of becoming a non-smoker. Even though he had no health problems, he openly admitted the reality that continued smoking would likely change his health in the future. He admitted to the problems of smoking odors, bad breath, and burn holes in his clothing. He also conducted some quick math and realized he has spending over $5,000 annually on his two pack a day habit which was money he really needed for a variety of other more important things! Through this ‘exploration’ he decided, now of his own volition, to make the ‘change’ to actually become a non-smoker.}

The final quadrant of change is ACCEPTANCE! Acceptance is the completion of what is known as the diagram of change, the fourth of the four quadrants of change. It is marked by the change being done, completed and a transformation has been made to having the change now become the new reality! The biggest mistake made in this stage is failing to ‘celebrate’ the change! However big or minor, it is appropriate to recognize that a change has actually been made! Our minds are more willing to maintain the change when we celebrate the change! Celebrating change makes a kind of ‘exclamation mark’ within us and it allows others to acknowledge the change. When we celebrate a graduation, a retirement, or a birthday with a party, the celebration marks the conclusion of a change in our lives. One is now a ‘graduate’ of college; a ‘retiree’ from a job; or the ‘next year older’! We can’t go back – the change has occurred and we all acknowledged the change! We have accepted the change!
• {Example of ACCPEPTANCE: At some point, my smoking friend decided it would be better to be a non-smoker! After denial, resistance and exploration the decision to quit seemed like a good idea. Moment after moment, day after day and week after week, my friend fought hard to become a ‘changed’ man. About six months after quitting smoking, my friend was comfortable to declare he was now a NON-SMOKER! LET THE PARTY BEGIN! And boy did it ever! Tears, beers and hugs were shared! The ‘acceptance’ celebration was wonderful and years later we occasionally remind the ex-smoker of the wonderful change he experienced!}

The important thing to remember about the nature of change and the four quadrants is simply this: ALL CHANGE IS THE SAME! ALL CHANGE GOES THROUGH EXACTLY THESE FOUR PREDICTABLE STEPS! What is exhausting about being a human is that in our daily lives, we are in some quadrant with literally hundreds of changes we are facing! But once we understand where we are personally with dealing with change and that other people, the ones we love, we work with, we elect, and we admire are going through exactly the same thing, it makes it some much easy to simply understand and to accept literally ‘where they are coming from!”